Wednesday, November 29, 2017

Anger in Marriage


They say when you are married that you should never go to bed angry.  I used to think that was such a simple concept.  But it really isn't THAT simple.  And I have to admit, last night, I went to bed angry at my husband.  I am not proud of that, but I will admit to it.

Marriage is a wonderful, exciting thing.  It's so great to spend every day with the one person you love the most in the entire world.  To watch a movie or share a laugh - you know the little things that make our bond tighter and special - are the things I live for. I love sitting next to him and he reaches over and rubs my back briefly or kisses my cheek for no reason other than he loves me.

But marriage is hard. It takes work - some days more than others. Yesterday was one of those days.  And I realize after arguing for what seems like hours that I have no idea how it even started.  I just remember how I felt.  

I was searching online for anger quotes - something to validate my feelings.  You know how sometimes you just want that pat on the back going - yup you should be mad. You go! And you look for something to feed that anger - to keep you in that place because you deserve it.

But instead, this jumped out at me:  A perfect relationship is not that you never get angry, upset, or irritated with each other; it's how fast you resolve and bounce to normal.

I hear you, God.  I see what you did there...

So I immediately felt remorse, guilt, and sadness - because anger and resentment are dangerous feelings when not dealt with properly.  Also, I love this man. Why would I want to build a wall between he and I? I don't. I'll admit - I'm stubborn and hate admitting fault. Harboring feelings that could rip us apart or even just damage us longer than normal is counterproductive.  

I knew what I had to do.  Swallow my pride and make things right in our marriage.

So I sent him a text with three of my favorite words: I love you. And then three just as important words in a marriage: I am sorry.

And it's amazing how quickly those hurt feelings go away.  The burden of anger was immediately lifted from my heart.  Almost a physical feeling.

Then, seeing my favorite words sent back to me: "I love you". And then, "I am sorry too".  Those words replaced the hurt and the sadness I had felt earlier. 

See, I am learning that marriage is a fantastic union.  But it's not an easy one.  Every day isn't fun. Every day isn't always sunshine.  Just like the weather, it can be unpredictable. Rain and clouds come and ruin the parade - but it doesn't last forever and the sun eventually comes out.  




I am honored to have married my best friend.  I am so glad that we can resolve and bounce back to normal.  Focusing on what keeps us together is the most important thing.  

Marriage is:  Love, Respect, Trust, Communication, and most definitely, Forgiveness. 



Thursday, June 22, 2017

Evolution



The thought of children terrified me ... being responsible for this other life. Having someone depend on you for everything.  That's a lot of pressure.  I also know that my genetics are pretty crappy.  High blood pressure, tachycardia, anxiety, depression, skin allergies... you name it, someone in my family has had it, or will someday.  I certainly didn't want to be responsible for giving some kid a life of medication and doctor visits.  So I let the nurturer in me, which I do have, motivate and cultivate my students.  I didn't need kids... I had 50 in my building I could take care of.  And I was ok with that for 35 years.

I remember the first Father's Day I had after meeting my now husband.  It was the first time I was getting to meet his daughter, a beautiful, spunky 8 year old with long red hair - tall and skinny.  I was so nervous about meeting her I was feeling nauseous.  I've dated men with kids before, but I was never allowed to get close to them, even after years.  And this guy.. he wants me to meet his kid after dating a month. I was terrified, and intrigued.  

We pulled into a church parking lot across from his daughter's mother's house and waited for his daughter to come.  I'm not sure what all happened, but it went downhill fast.  The next thing I know, I am holding this beautiful, frail girl in my arms as she's crying "please don't let them hurt my daddy, please!"  This was not the first impression I was expecting.  An attempted fight ensued, and no one wanted him to take his daughter then - so he locked himself in the car and waited for the police to come let us take his daughter for the day.  After the police saw the court order, we were free to go.

I had never been through ANYTHING like that in my entire life.  And I hope I never encounter another day like that again.  I was so shaken up.  They decided to go swimming at a relatives house. I dropped them off and drove away saying I needed some alone time to process everything that just happened.  Is this an ongoing thing that I am going to have to endure dating this guy? Having another person's child in my life? I wasn't sure that I wanted that - any of it.

Over the course of months, things were a roller coaster of court dates, custody battles, and emotions.  I have to say, once I committed that this was the man I wanted in my life, I understood that I also made a commitment to his daughter. They are a packaged-deal.  One comes with the other.   

Slowly, things began to get better - and visits became more frequent and fun.  Once he and I got engaged, she was even excited. She said she's glad I was going to be her "other" mom. We've even had "girl dates" for Chinese food and shopping.  Once he and I got married, his daughter and I got even closer. When she calls to speak to her dad, she asks to speak to me too. She tells me she loves me, and that I am a great step-mom.

And that's not all - the relationship with her mother and step-father, and my hubby and I has improved tremendously. We can chat in the middle of the street, or on the phone. We can text or call cordially and civilly.  I don't expect us all to be best friends, but I am happy with where we all are.  It's best for everyone involved - especially their daughter. And after-all, we all only want what's best for her, and we all love her.  

So I guess in the end, things really do work out one way or another. God does work in mysterious ways.  Many times I reflect on how far I have come over the past few years, and I cannot believe I have been blessed the way I have.  Things haven't always been easy, but we made it. And now I have an amazing husband who is attentive, affectionate, committed and love. I have a step-daughter that I can't imagine a life without now.  I can't speak for anyone else that has a "blended" family, but it's certainly not easy... dealing with holiday schedules, friends, parties, the other family, etc.  But I wouldn't trade it for anything, because I am truly blessed to have found this perfect family. My perfect family. Thanks be to God!

Tuesday, January 3, 2017

The 2016 Tragedy

As you may (or may not) have noticed, I did not write a single blog in 2016.  A lot went on throughout that year.  Some good, some bad, and some completely devastating.  

In January, I settled into a one bedroom apartment on the main street of town.  It was small, but it had some nice features, and was fairly quiet other than the occasional train whistle from the nearby station. Samson (my cat) and I were fairly content.  I'd go to work, come home and watch Netflix and work on my comprehensive exam that was looming over my head for schooling.

Occasionally, I would go to the local military club that I am a member of, and have a few beers after a long day at work.  I started to notice that there was a guy that was bartending there certain nights of the week that was always smiling, kinda of flirty, very attractive, and nice to everyone there.  Of course, I was drawn to him instantly.  I began asking the people around me about this guy... and then finally got the nerve up to talk to him:

Me:    Hey. You got a girlfriend?  (I know... classic, right?)
Him:  Yes.  (I appreciated the honesty, really.)
Me:    Oh. Well that sucks.  Well if you ever become single, and you're interested, let me know.
Him:  *smiles* Ok.

Later on that month, I was having a drink at the local pub and I felt someone's hand tickle the back of my neck.  It was him! The bartender from the military club! And he touched me! So I turned around and I said, Oh wow it's you!  He looked at me and said, yes.  And I wanted to find you and let you know that I am here just to tell you I am single now.  I am pretty sure my cheeks flushed immediately.  

Anyhow.. we've been inseparable ever since.  He has become my best friend and soulmate.  Someone I never want to fall asleep or wake up without.  We now have a beautiful apartment together. I'm going to have a step-daughter, whom I absolutely love and adore.  The wedding is planned for May 2017.

That was what was good about 2016.

But 2016 was filled with a lot of tragedy.  It was the year that Hollywood stars were called home one by one. Robin Williams, David Bowie, Prince, Carrie Fisher (yes! Princess Leia!), George Michael, Florence Henderson, Gene Wilder, Anton Yelchin (from the new Star Trek movies), Muhammad Ali, Chyna, and Harper Lee - just to touch the surface.  Although news reporters are saying that this year has not created a record of celebrity deaths - it just seems more because there are more "A-List" stars in 2016.  Very sad, indeed.

But the greatest tragedy of all was discovering in November that my cousin has succumbed to his addiction and was found deceased in Baltimore.  The grief of losing someone to something like heroin is something you cannot possibly describe.  It's something that I will never forget.  He is someone that will never be forgotten and will always be loved.

As we know, grief has several stages: 1. Denial and isolation; 2. Anger; 3. Bargaining; 4. Depression; 5. Acceptance.

Yet, when you grieve someone from an addiction - it's weird because I find myself being angry a lot more than the other stages.  I'm angry at the drug culture that surrounds our area.  I'm angry because there is so much to be done, but I don't know where to start.  I'm angry because even when people get help they still slip.  That slip can either be ok or fatal... and so can the next slip. And the next.  Then it's no longer a slip.  It's back to business as usual. Why can't more be done about the clearly present epidemic of heroin and opioids in this country?  I'm appalled at the lack of concern. I'm disgusted when people think it's ok.  It's not ok!

It's not ok that my uncle had to bury his only son.  No one should bury their child. No one.  And it's not ok that the people who enabled and called him a friend were not there the day of his memorial.. but would show up at a drop of a hat to get high. I'm disgusted.  Know who your friends are... friends care about you.  Those types of people are not friends. They will use you and sell you out to save themselves. 

Please, if you know someone abusing prescription drugs or using heroin, get them help.  So what if they get mad at you.  It could just save their life.






American Addiction Centers:  877-620-8491
Addiction to Sobriety:  877-810-0397

Monday, December 7, 2015

Class

You know, I've been thinking a lot about life and about how far we have come as men and women in this world. I've been thinking about how far away we've come as well.  

I was going through the internet the other day and I was looking at old pictures of movie stars, and street scenes, and things that you don't really see in our world anymore. Like, for example, I noticed pictures of men opening car doors and laying their coats on the ground for a woman. The women were sexy, confident, and beautiful; yet, they weren't exposing their breasts or bottoms for everyone to see or flipping people off and yelling in the streets.  Men weren't carrying guns, they were carrying flowers. They were holding hands with their lady,

What happened to everyone?

I would like to think that it's ok for women to remain classy... You know, to want flowers and allow a guy to open the door.  I think it's ok for a guy to feel like he can be a gentleman without a woman getting mouthy or offended because she can do it herself. 

Is it possible to miss something I've never lived through? Is it possible to miss a time period I've never experienced?  

I think a lot of times, people are unhappy because of how we treat one another.  I truly do. We don't respect each other. We don't treat the women like beautiful creatures that were made by the hand of God. We don't treat men like the strong, solid creatures that God created.  

Also, we forget that women hurt inside long before they'll say so, and we forget that men need reassured of our love every day. Because we forget about others when we're so into ourselves.  We forget how to treat people, how to love. We forget how to be classy. 

I miss class in our society.  As with everything I know, everything begins and ends with each of us. So if it's class I miss, it needs to begin with me.

Monday, November 23, 2015

Wednesday

I was driving to work this morning for the first time in three days. I was following a diesel truck. I thought I was going to throw-up. The smell was nauseating and I couldn't seem to shake that cold feeling I got when I smelled the fumes. It stayed with me.. I will never forget that smell.

See, on Wednesday I arrived to work at 8 a.m., turned on my computer, and began going through the three-inch pile of paper on my desk from Tuesday.  I saw a couple missed calls from my neighbor, and while he doesn't call often, I figured I would call him on my lunch break, but he called again, so I answered.

Neighbor:  Marissa? You should probably come back this way. Your house is on fire.
Me:  What?
Neighbor:  You need to come back to Clearfield, your house is on fire.
Me frantically:  On my way.

So there in lies the beginning of a nightmare. Every home owner's worst fear...every pet owner's worst fear: A fire in the house.

I work an hour & a half away.  By the time I pulled into my driveway, the fire crew was primarily gone except one or two remaining firefighters waiting for me and watching that the fire didn't rekindle. 

I didn't even have to walk into the house to smell the odor of smoke and water mixed with melted plastic, wood, dry wall, and whatever else was in the fire's path. As I walked into the kitchen, I couldn't even believe it was my house. My home. My safe haven.  It was covered in soot from top to bottom as if someone took a printer cartridge and sprayed it over the entire circumference of the room. Broken pieces of plates and glass lay about the blackened, curled linoleum floor.  There were things scattered everywhere as if a hurricane had taken place.

Beyond the kitchen we walked into the living room – the point of the fire.  To say that I was devastated would be an understatement.  My bay window had completely blown out and glass was laying everywhere on charred remnants of furniture and floor.  The stuffing in my couch appeared to have been shot out of a cannon.  The couch must have exploded, or the outlet behind the wall did based on the amount of stuffing strewn about throughout the room.

I glanced around the walls... blackened and peeled.  There were holes in the ceiling where the fire crew busted through so they can see if the fire had risen to the crawl-space attic. The blades of my ceiling fan lay burned in small pieces of wood on the floor, leaving nothing but the metal tips next to the scorched motor.

The smoke and water damage trailed down the hallway into the laundry room and bathroom.  The exhaust fan above the shower had been ripped out of the ceiling in the bathroom as well to check for fire above. I noticed how black the roof looked, and realized that will probably need to be replaced as well.  Habitually, I opened the medicine cabinet, thinking that I will see my toothpaste bottles and toothbrush safe and secure behind the magnetic mirrors.  All the contents inside were covered in several thick layers of black powder and dust.

At this point the odor of smoke, along with everything combined, was starting to make me sick to my stomach.  The back two rooms had their doors shut when I left that morning, and while damage was minor to the rooms, all items were destroyed by smoke damage.

I walked back out the living room and looked around in shock.. disbelief.  

How can this happen so fast? 
I was only gone for a couple of hours. 
Nothing was on – no candles, burners, space heaters, etc.  Nothing.  

I was told that the fire was electrical and started in the wall due to old wiring.

I looked at all my “stuff”, at all the things I owned and thought of all the money spent on them. Wasted. 

... the movies I couldn’t wait to buy once they came out on Blu-ray … 
melted and water drenched…

…the hundreds of school books I had accumulated so I could begin my dissertation process within a few months…
sticking together with smeared lettering, wet pages, and charred covers….

… the Calvin Klein travel bag with melted wheels, the Jimmy Choo tote that I recently bought because “I deserved it” in a pile of mud and water…

… my Star Trek collection, many of which had sentimental meaning... burnt to ashes, or stained with the pungent odor of smoke...

And I thought to myself… in an instant.. in a blink of an eye.. everything we “want” is gone.  All material possessions… everything… can be taken away by a storm, a flood… a fire…

And I immediately felt a peace come over me because while I lost everything (including a dearly loved pet) in the fire, I had my family and friends who rushed to be by my side as I cried or stood speechless.  My family and friends who put together their last dimes so that I could begin to rebuild my life again. 

I am beyond humbled by the amount of strangers who have walked  up to me and hugged me with tears in their eyes over the loss of my beautiful cat, Roxy or over the sadness of the holiday season upon us, or over the fact that they’ve been where I am.. and it brings back that feeling like it was like yesterday.

And I think of all that wasted money on stuff.  And I think of where that money should have gone.

To another person with a fire.
To that girl with cancer.
To that boy in the car accident.
To that man that needs a liver transplant.
To the disabled woman who wants nothing more than to work.
To the single dad with three jobs raising his daughter.
To the woman taking care of her dying mother.

Because even though you can't see these things... I know they won't burn in a house fire.  These things help other people. These things uplift the spirit. Give hope to the hopeless, and help the lost find another step in their path.

My friends, NOTHING lasts forever here.  Our possessions mean nothing. They bring us no value or worth.  They are items on a shelf, picked up here and there, and placed back until you notice them again.  Nothing is permanent here.  It can be taken away just as easily as it can be obtained.  I am so thankful that there will someday be a place where our “treasures” can never be destroyed, where we will never feel the heartache of burying a loved one, or the sadness of finding a perished pet in the ashes because she couldn’t escape the smoke and flames.  Until then, I have decided that I don’t need a lot, just the company of others, the uplifting encouragement of friends, the kind spirit of a stranger, the touch of a loved one... and I plan to be those things as well.

In this world of sadness and darkness, I truly believe all we need is a little more love and little less stuff.


"Don't store up treasures here on earth, where moths eat them and rust destroys them, and where thieves break in and steal. Store your treasures in heaven, where moths and rust cannot destroy, and thieves do not break in and steal. Wherever your treasure is, there the desires of your heart will also be. Matthew 6: 19-21

Monday, August 17, 2015

Wall Street Journal Reaction

Recently the Wall Street Journal published a national article about the newspaper in my hometown of Huntingdon, Pennsylvania.  The article described in detail, down to quotes, the absurdity of The Opinion Line, and the fight about people wanting it taken out due to fact that it’s pretty much a free-for-all complaint section. 

I know all about the opinion line, as I said, I grew up in that area.  What I didn’t care for, was the blatant arrogance and disregard to the people of Huntingdon County.  The article made it seem like those from that area marry their cousins, pick their teeth with wheat straws while playing the banjo.  I was appalled.

Let me tell you a little about what I know:
My parents are still together after 35 years of marriage.  They’ve been loyal and faithful through financial hardships, three growing girls, and family tragedies.  My family attends church and afterwards family often gets together for lunch either at someone’s house or at a local restaurant. They give to charities that help religious and humanitarian causes. *Oh the horror!*

Let me tell you about the people of Huntingdon County:
We have beautiful big weddings in churches that are old and full of rich culture or in gorgeous gazebos near breathtaking lakes. We don’t rent those places because those places are our backyard.  

We party too, except we don’t have to leave a club at 2 or 4 a.m. and take a taxi home. We have fields and fire pits that allow our parties to last until dawn.  And you bet there’s corn hole… and don’t knock it until you try it!

My dad has a beautiful outdoor fireplace and outdoor setting he built with his own hands that would make the guys on DIY Network look like they play with Legos. Yeah - I said that.

People around here take care of each other. They know their neighbors, and protect each other’s children. We value family. We value friends. We value our good names.

In Huntingdon County we DO have tons of mountains… beautiful mountains that people travel all around to see. We have a HUGE man-made lake that people travel all around to see. We have parks with real grass, and children are safe to ride their bikes around town together and play.

I’m not sure who this person is from Los Angeles that thought that telling the city folk there are still places in this nation that are all honkey tonk and backwoods.  And there are a few of those (and so what?), but to paint an entire town to sound like we’re people from The Hills Have Eyes is insulting.

Let me tell you what else I know. I graduated from Southern Huntingdon High School – a small school district in Huntingdon County. I graduated with a class size of around 90 kids.  We all know each other and most are still in contact to this day. I hold three, almost 4 degrees – working on my doctorate degree in education currently.  I am a college director with a great school. I belong to several well-respected organizations throughout several counties. I am changing lives thanks to this little county.  And I’m not the exception to this either.

IN A NUTSHELL

I’m not ashamed to say I love looking at the mountains when I wake up instead of skyscrapers. 

I love taking my hot cup of coffee out on my porch, that I own, instead of waiting in line and drinking it on a crowded subway.

I love smelling fresh air instead of pollution and smog.  

I love backyard bon-fires, enjoying a Miller Lite, and wearing flip flops until it snows.  

I’m not ashamed to be from Huntingdon County. In fact, I'm super proud to be from this area.

What I AM ashamed of is the author of that article. I'm not letting some snobbish city slicker knock on this beautiful area without him realizing how wonderful it is to be from Huntingdon County. 

With all due respect, sir: You can take your article and shove it. 

*marissa* 

Sunday, June 7, 2015

Thinking Out Loud

Thinking out loud:   I've had a lot of people ask me for advice on relationships.  I'm not sure why; I'm horrible with relationships.

So, I guess I'll just leave this blog with this.  I think this is some sound advice that can apply to us all:

When you talk more about your future than your past, then you're ready.

When you are more joyful than miserable with your current life, then you're ready.

Take care of yourself before inviting someone in.
It's the only way both people can be happy together.

Hugs - Marissa