They say when you are married that you should never go to bed angry. I used to think that was such a simple concept. But it really isn't THAT simple. And I have to admit, last night, I went to bed angry at my husband. I am not proud of that, but I will admit to it.
Marriage is a wonderful, exciting thing. It's so great to spend every day with the one person you love the most in the entire world. To watch a movie or share a laugh - you know the little things that make our bond tighter and special - are the things I live for. I love sitting next to him and he reaches over and rubs my back briefly or kisses my cheek for no reason other than he loves me.
But marriage is hard. It takes work - some days more than others. Yesterday was one of those days. And I realize after arguing for what seems like hours that I have no idea how it even started. I just remember how I felt.
I was searching online for anger quotes - something to validate my feelings. You know how sometimes you just want that pat on the back going - yup you should be mad. You go! And you look for something to feed that anger - to keep you in that place because you deserve it.
But instead, this jumped out at me: A perfect relationship is not that you never get angry, upset, or irritated with each other; it's how fast you resolve and bounce to normal.
I hear you, God. I see what you did there...
So I immediately felt remorse, guilt, and sadness - because anger and resentment are dangerous feelings when not dealt with properly. Also, I love this man. Why would I want to build a wall between he and I? I don't. I'll admit - I'm stubborn and hate admitting fault. Harboring feelings that could rip us apart or even just damage us longer than normal is counterproductive.
I knew what I had to do. Swallow my pride and make things right in our marriage.
So I sent him a text with three of my favorite words: I love you. And then three just as important words in a marriage: I am sorry.
And it's amazing how quickly those hurt feelings go away. The burden of anger was immediately lifted from my heart. Almost a physical feeling.
Then, seeing my favorite words sent back to me: "I love you". And then, "I am sorry too". Those words replaced the hurt and the sadness I had felt earlier.
See, I am learning that marriage is a fantastic union. But it's not an easy one. Every day isn't fun. Every day isn't always sunshine. Just like the weather, it can be unpredictable. Rain and clouds come and ruin the parade - but it doesn't last forever and the sun eventually comes out.
I am honored to have married my best friend. I am so glad that we can resolve and bounce back to normal. Focusing on what keeps us together is the most important thing.
Marriage is: Love, Respect, Trust, Communication, and most definitely, Forgiveness.
The thought of children terrified me ... being responsible for this other life. Having someone depend on you for everything. That's a lot of pressure. I also know that my genetics are pretty crappy. High blood pressure, tachycardia, anxiety, depression, skin allergies... you name it, someone in my family has had it, or will someday. I certainly didn't want to be responsible for giving some kid a life of medication and doctor visits. So I let the nurturer in me, which I do have, motivate and cultivate my students. I didn't need kids... I had 50 in my building I could take care of. And I was ok with that for 35 years.
I remember the first Father's Day I had after meeting my now husband. It was the first time I was getting to meet his daughter, a beautiful, spunky 8 year old with long red hair - tall and skinny. I was so nervous about meeting her I was feeling nauseous. I've dated men with kids before, but I was never allowed to get close to them, even after years. And this guy.. he wants me to meet his kid after dating a month. I was terrified, and intrigued.
We pulled into a church parking lot across from his daughter's mother's house and waited for his daughter to come. I'm not sure what all happened, but it went downhill fast. The next thing I know, I am holding this beautiful, frail girl in my arms as she's crying "please don't let them hurt my daddy, please!" This was not the first impression I was expecting. An attempted fight ensued, and no one wanted him to take his daughter then - so he locked himself in the car and waited for the police to come let us take his daughter for the day. After the police saw the court order, we were free to go.
I had never been through ANYTHING like that in my entire life. And I hope I never encounter another day like that again. I was so shaken up. They decided to go swimming at a relatives house. I dropped them off and drove away saying I needed some alone time to process everything that just happened. Is this an ongoing thing that I am going to have to endure dating this guy? Having another person's child in my life? I wasn't sure that I wanted that - any of it.
Over the course of months, things were a roller coaster of court dates, custody battles, and emotions. I have to say, once I committed that this was the man I wanted in my life, I understood that I also made a commitment to his daughter. They are a packaged-deal. One comes with the other.
Slowly, things began to get better - and visits became more frequent and fun. Once he and I got engaged, she was even excited. She said she's glad I was going to be her "other" mom. We've even had "girl dates" for Chinese food and shopping. Once he and I got married, his daughter and I got even closer. When she calls to speak to her dad, she asks to speak to me too. She tells me she loves me, and that I am a great step-mom.
And that's not all - the relationship with her mother and step-father, and my hubby and I has improved tremendously. We can chat in the middle of the street, or on the phone. We can text or call cordially and civilly. I don't expect us all to be best friends, but I am happy with where we all are. It's best for everyone involved - especially their daughter. And after-all, we all only want what's best for her, and we all love her.
So I guess in the end, things really do work out one way or another. God does work in mysterious ways. Many times I reflect on how far I have come over the past few years, and I cannot believe I have been blessed the way I have. Things haven't always been easy, but we made it. And now I have an amazing husband who is attentive, affectionate, committed and love. I have a step-daughter that I can't imagine a life without now. I can't speak for anyone else that has a "blended" family, but it's certainly not easy... dealing with holiday schedules, friends, parties, the other family, etc. But I wouldn't trade it for anything, because I am truly blessed to have found this perfect family. My perfect family. Thanks be to God!
As you may (or may not) have noticed, I did not write a single blog in 2016. A lot went on throughout that year. Some good, some bad, and some completely devastating.
In January, I settled into a one bedroom apartment on the main street of town. It was small, but it had some nice features, and was fairly quiet other than the occasional train whistle from the nearby station. Samson (my cat) and I were fairly content. I'd go to work, come home and watch Netflix and work on my comprehensive exam that was looming over my head for schooling.
Occasionally, I would go to the local military club that I am a member of, and have a few beers after a long day at work. I started to notice that there was a guy that was bartending there certain nights of the week that was always smiling, kinda of flirty, very attractive, and nice to everyone there. Of course, I was drawn to him instantly. I began asking the people around me about this guy... and then finally got the nerve up to talk to him:
Me: Hey. You got a girlfriend? (I know... classic, right?)
Him: Yes. (I appreciated the honesty, really.)
Me: Oh. Well that sucks. Well if you ever become single, and you're interested, let me know.
Him: *smiles* Ok.
Later on that month, I was having a drink at the local pub and I felt someone's hand tickle the back of my neck. It was him! The bartender from the military club! And he touched me! So I turned around and I said, Oh wow it's you! He looked at me and said, yes. And I wanted to find you and let you know that I am here just to tell you I am single now. I am pretty sure my cheeks flushed immediately.
Anyhow.. we've been inseparable ever since. He has become my best friend and soulmate. Someone I never want to fall asleep or wake up without. We now have a beautiful apartment together. I'm going to have a step-daughter, whom I absolutely love and adore. The wedding is planned for May 2017.
That was what was good about 2016.
But 2016 was filled with a lot of tragedy. It was the year that Hollywood stars were called home one by one. Robin Williams, David Bowie, Prince, Carrie Fisher (yes! Princess Leia!), George Michael, Florence Henderson, Gene Wilder, Anton Yelchin (from the new Star Trek movies), Muhammad Ali, Chyna, and Harper Lee - just to touch the surface. Although news reporters are saying that this year has not created a record of celebrity deaths - it just seems more because there are more "A-List" stars in 2016. Very sad, indeed.
But the greatest tragedy of all was discovering in November that my cousin has succumbed to his addiction and was found deceased in Baltimore. The grief of losing someone to something like heroin is something you cannot possibly describe. It's something that I will never forget. He is someone that will never be forgotten and will always be loved.
As we know, grief has several stages: 1. Denial and isolation; 2. Anger; 3. Bargaining; 4. Depression; 5. Acceptance.
Yet, when you grieve someone from an addiction - it's weird because I find myself being angry a lot more than the other stages. I'm angry at the drug culture that surrounds our area. I'm angry because there is so much to be done, but I don't know where to start. I'm angry because even when people get help they still slip. That slip can either be ok or fatal... and so can the next slip. And the next. Then it's no longer a slip. It's back to business as usual. Why can't more be done about the clearly present epidemic of heroin and opioids in this country? I'm appalled at the lack of concern. I'm disgusted when people think it's ok. It's not ok!
It's not ok that my uncle had to bury his only son. No one should bury their child. No one. And it's not ok that the people who enabled and called him a friend were not there the day of his memorial.. but would show up at a drop of a hat to get high. I'm disgusted. Know who your friends are... friends care about you. Those types of people are not friends. They will use you and sell you out to save themselves.
Please, if you know someone abusing prescription drugs or using heroin, get them help. So what if they get mad at you. It could just save their life.
American Addiction Centers: 877-620-8491
Addiction to Sobriety: 877-810-0397
